31 March 2011

Chatham - A Great Tourist Destination!

“shopping for clothes normally revolves around the colour of your next shell suit...if you see a bus approach it with caution”

I have been inspired by a good friend to write a ‘top ten’ blog. So I have chosen to write one about my hometown. Before I go on, I apologise if you are from Chatham in England and you take offence at my comments. Yes, I agree they should be harsher!

Well here are my top ten reasons why Chatham is a great holiday destination:

1. It’s the original home of the Chav. The Chav is an extremely rare species of human being which is predominantly nocturnal. The Chav nornally travels in small groups, or clans, and can be seen heading for the Chippy, Chinese or Curry House on most nights. They generally have a snarl on their face and a fake gold chain around their neck. Night photography tours to see the Chavs are available to all tourists (note: personal injury insurance compulsory).

2. London, Paris, New York, Rome and now Chatham. All fashion houses in their own right. Forget all about Armani, Louis Vuitton and Hugo Boss. In Chatham, shopping for clothes normally revolves around the colour of your next shell suit. These "living in the past" iconic clothes still outsell most other items. For a wonderful shopping experience try Primark in the High Street or New Look or one of the many discount stores towards the Luton Arches.

3. Are busy shopping centres with lots of shoppers frustrating you? Well we have the answer for you. Chatham boasts a state of the art shopping centre known as the Pentagon, or the "Pen'agon" as the locals say. It has more closed shops than a Baghdad Bazaar. So you will have plenty of space and time to walk around the handful of shops that are still open. Please note that on most Thursday's you will see a queue forming outside of the Post Office (situated in Martins) as the Chav's queue up to cash their dole cheques.

4. If you are one of the many people who do not like cramped buses then Chatham is the place for you! In these parts the local bland green coloured buses are rarer than finding gold at the end of a rainbow. If you see a bus, approach it with caution as it is most likely a mirage, or a figment of your imagination.

5. Yorkshire is famous for Yorkshire Pudding, Cornwall for Cornish Pasties and now Chatham is famous for chewing gum! The locals can be spotted chewing gum whilst eating at the local McDonalds or KFC (the only 2 quality eating places in the town). It is an art to see the local girls take the gum out of their mouth and stick it on their social benefit card whilst eating a Big Mac or chicken nuggets and then re-chewing it. For the amateur photographer, if you are patient and bide your time, you may be able to take a shot of this fascinating cultural act. Remember though, if you don’t chew gum you ain’t anyone! Naturally Wrigleys do a roaring trade in Cha’ham.

6. Chatham is doing its part to help populate the country. The local girls are more than willing to help out for this charitable cause. So come on down to Chatham if you want to assist with this . The local rule is that if you are female and you are 16 then you will most likely be pregnant. If you ain’t then you must be some sort of freak or a spaz! Take your newly acquainted local girl to the local kebab shop for a first date. She will love you for it

7. Jewellery is important to women worldwide and Chatham is no different. It sports a number of jewellers (well 3 or 4) who sell the cheapest grade of gold jewellery at amazingly discounted prices. Chatham is a great place for that tacky present for a hardly ever seen relative. For women the main piece of jewellery has to be large hooped earrings.

8. If you want to see what the locals do during the day then head straight to Tesco's. Spend an hour or two and watch them do their shopping on a Saturday morning. Hanging out in Tesco’s aisle 10 is about the coolest thing to do. Actually given the lack of anything in the town this is probably the only thing you can do. Definitely an eye opener for overseas visitors as the locals swarm to the frozen food aisle.

9. Chatham has a very relaxed lifestyle which appeals to tourists and locals alike. For some the most exerting thing they do is to receive their dole (chat) cheques and encash them. The proceeds are then quickly allocated to beer, cigs and the latest Justin Bieber cd. For the rest of the week the locals will stay chilled waiting for their next dole cheque.

10. Chatham is a thriving hub of entertainment. Whether that means going to the movies, eating a dodgy curry or hanging out at one of the many pubs in the town it’s all here for you. For example, a local in Chatham would, on a Saturday night, go to the pub, drink too much, get in a fight and vomit in the taxi on the way home. This is then repeated at least on two more occasions before the next weekend.

So you can see Chatham is a great place and a wonderful area to live in! Is it any wonder I am in Sydney on the other side of the globe? I'll let you ponder that question. Now where did I put my chewing gum….

05 March 2011

Time for a change!

Well, having found some spare time (I think it was hiding under the lounge), I have decided to give my blogsite a well overdue spring clean.

Gone is the picture of the Sydney Harbour Bridge as well as the Fish. Even though I found it fun to have them on the blog, and they were fun to feed as well, I decided to take down that app. Also missing is the 'song of the week' which often ended up being 'song of the month'!

I have bought in the share it application so that you Tweeters out there (Hi Nes) and Facebookers can easily share the blogs.

I may make a few more changes but for now that is it.

I also think the style of blogs should change too. I will still stick with the humerous ones but will occassionally write some more serious type ones too.

Stay tuned and remember, you can subscribe to my blogs too!!