27 March 2010

Cuts Like a Knife

"is when cutting cheese turns into an endurance sport....I have no idea of the cunning plan that this piece of sharp metal has for me"

During the last week something dawned on me. It was one of those moments when clarity is to the fore and you realise why things happen (not necessairly for a reason either). So I thought it only fair that I shared this with you, the reader, and the rest of the world. It appears that I have a fetish. Now before your sordid mind delves off into the realms of toe sucking, leather, bondage and gimps, let me explain. This is no ordinary fetish indeed.

Over the past 18 months or so I have, at intermittent periods, bought 3 knives. These are your typical knives that you would find in any household kitchen. They have all been utility ones so that No Worries and I can cut, chop and dice vegetables, meat and anything else we want to cut until our heart's content!

I always know when its time to replace a knife. The first indication is when cutting cheese turns into an endurance sport. One whereby you have to use all your force and energy just to cut a slice of cheddar! It's good for the muscles but not good for the empty stomach.

When things get to this stage I merrily traipse off to the local shops and purchase a new knife. At this stage I have no idea of the cunning plan that this piece of sharp metal has for me. Once home I take the knife out of its packet, wash it and give it a trial run. A smile expands across my face as I see the steel blade glide effortlessly through the cheese. I know then that all's well in the world.

Fast forward a couple of days and the fetish takes hold. What I have discovered is that every time I buy a new knife I end up cutting my thumb quite badly. Now this isn't when I am using it in food preparation either. It never hits me when I am using it for what it was designed to use.

For example, last week I was washing up after a scrumptious roast dinner (cooked by yours truly) when I reached into the sink and felt a sharp pain in my thumb. I quickly pulled it out and blood was starting to pour down it and onto the rest of my hand. The knife fetish had struck again. I imagined that had been waiting just below the surface camouflaged by the soap suds when it saw my innocent thumb. Then, quicker that the Global Financial Crisis, it struck inflicting a painful blow!

I could be wrong of course.

Contrast this to the previous issue about 8 months ago. Again, I had bought a knife but this time it waited until I had placed my hand into the cutlery drawer before it attacked me. Now again this may have been a coincidence but I am not convinced. The previous time I had been attacked on my thumb by merely picking it up from a cutting board.

So there you have it. Do I have a subconcious fetish for cutting my thumb with a new knife? Or are they really out to attack me? I'll let you decide.


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moodyblue2 said...

Not heard of a knife sharpener then?